kazoobard:

things we know about john mulaney based on his comedy specials

-may have killed princess diana

-once drank perfume

-has never been killed by hitmen

-thought he had shit into a doctor’s hand

-“and also with you!”

-pretends to eat dinner at 4:30 to trick his dog

-has a penis (allegedly, according to a baby)

-sometimes he will watch a movie on TV even though he already owns that movie on DVD

-has responsibilities (all these fuckin’ markers)

-told Bill Clinton that he can do whatever he wants forever

-went to college for the whole time

-doesn’t care for these new nazis